William Bandits in The Life of Riley
With Marjorie Reynolds as Peg, Tom DeAndre as Gillis, Wes Morgan as Junior, and Gloria Blondell as Honeybee
Produced by Tom McKnight
Robbing your daughter of a wonderful experience
A military wedding is very dramatic
Officers cross swords for the bride and groom to walk under and I follow on the arm of maybe a handsome admiral or some other high-ranking officer
I don't care if you're walking with a top sergeant
You're still up in a big city all alone
But I won't be alone
I'll be surrounded by dozens and dozens of sailors
That settles it, you can't go
Oh, Dad, you're impossible
I'll never forgive you
There go the waterworks again
Don't have to be so brusque about it
Now look, Peg, as a father I know my duty
And as an ex-sailor, I know gobs
She'll cry all night
She will?
Naturally, she's very disappointed
I know how to fix the whole thing, Peg
She can go, if you go with her
Oh, Riley, I can't
Well, sure you can
You go along with her personally
Maybe that'll stop the waterworks around here
I can just see you and Junior without me to look after you
All right
You're robbing your daughter of a wonderful military wedding and making her cry all night
Oh, I like that
She can go if you go with her
But if you're too stubborn to go, then it ain't my fault
She can't blame her father
Wait a minute, Riley
Peg, I don't want to discuss it any further
I've got a headache now from arguing
I'm going out on the porch and blow out my brains with some fresh air
I've got some salt here the wife forgot to put on any of my lunchboxes
Yeah, help yourself
Oh, good
Rile and I were just discussing women
Anyone I know?
Yeah, my wife, Peg
I've been telling her to go to San Francisco, but she won't go
Oh, you should have taken a positive attitude, Riley
Ordered her to go
Positively
Yeah, married couples see too much of each other
Do you boys know what wrecks most marriages?
Yeah, weddings
Obiquity
We don't even keep it in the house
Propague what he means
Too close an association, Riley
Now, if wives would take a trip every once in a while
They'd come back fresh-minded and happy to see their husbands again, you know?
You mean you think I should order her to go?
Well, in a sort of a diplomatic way
That's stalling
You gotta be firm
You gotta nip it in the bud
You're right
I'll say, Peg, you've got to go
Because the only way married people can live together and be happy
Is to separate and be miserable
A dollar from the Evanses
That leaves the Gillesses and the Rileys to fill our quota
Honeybee Gilless usually contributes to the welfare league
Let's call there first
I've got to sit down somewhere, my feet are killing me
And Peg Riley is a substantial giver
If that silly Riley isn't there to ask stupid questions
If he is home, I'll tackle him
I think he's kind of cute
Dad and June, you'll be okay for a couple of days, Mom
And we'll have a great time
Please say you'll go
Well, I haven't been to San Francisco in years
I've been to all the Devlins and the Good Acres
Mom, and you'll go?
Well, I'll think it over and talk to your father again
Talk to me about what?
Oh, hello, dear
Hi, Dad
If you mean about taking my dear sweet little babsie to San Francisco
There's nothing to talk over
My head's made up
You're going
Is that so?
Well, is that an ultimatum?
We don't have to go through Webster's encyclopedia
Over a simple little thing like a trip to San Francisco
Of course, I'll miss you
But it'll be a good thing to miss you for a change
What?
Married people should separate once in a while
So that propinquity don't set in like termites
If we can get three dollars from Peg, we'll have filled our quota
Oh, Junior
Hello, Miss Furbish
Is your mother home?
Yeah, she's in the kitchen arguing with Pop
Go on in
If they're having an argument, perhaps we'd better come another time
I most certainly am not coming out here again
Argument or no argument
I'll make up my own mind, Riley
It sounds as if you're trying to get rid of me for some reason of your own
There you go, Peg
Twisted my words all up
It doesn't need very much twisting to show you want to get rid of me
The only reason I want to get rid of you is for the good of everybody
Well, in that case, I'll make it easy for you
Mother, I don't think Dad means that
Don't tell me what I mean, Babs
I'm ordering you to go, both of you
And that's the end of my ultimatum
The beast
Come, Amelia
I'll get you out of here
And that's the end of my ultimatum
The beast
Come, Amelia
Come on
I'll send a wire to Mary Ann to let her know we're coming
Thanks, Dad
Thanks, Mom
You're a couple of dolls
You're not sore at me for making Babs happy, are you, Peg?
I suppose not, but I don't care about being ordered to go
Just remember you brought it on yourself
I will
But you've got to promise me one thing
Oh, this is positive
I want you to come right home as soon as that wedding is over so we can get on with ours
Oh, Riley
I tell you, I heard it with my own ears, Letitia
Riley practically threw her out of the house
I'm ordering you to go, he said
The both of you
She must have done something terrible
Isn't it exciting?
Amelia Forbes told Letitia and she phoned me
Yes, of course it's true, Peg and Babs left with two suitcases
Probably taking the silverware
Well, my dear, I heard it was a knockdown, drag-out fight
And then Peg just ups and leaves in bag and baggage
By Torino, of course
Isn't it a shame?
You and your big mouth
I just told him to put his foot down and don't let her get away with nothing
So lame brain listens to your yaks
Goes home and throws her out
You're making a mountain out of a molehill
She's gone to San Francisco to a wedding
That's what he says
It's all over town, they split up
She took Babs in the bankroll, he gets Junior
He got the short end
If I hadn't been visiting Mama, I'd have heard the whole thing personally
One of these days there's gonna be a key in Riley's back door and you're gonna puncture an eardrum
When I got home, she'd gone
And I had to hear the whole thing over the party line
Let's use the phone once for talking
Let's call Riley
The poor guy must be down in the dumps
That's the place for him
So what, we have scrambled eggs
Maybe it's Peg
Come on Peg, let's go
I'll get the door
I'll get the door
It's Peg
Hello Peg
Oh, oh Gillis
This is Riley the Bachelor speaking
Oh then it's true, huh?
How do you feel?
Oh, well, feeling great
How'd you expect me to be feeling?
Just a louse
You want me to send Honey Bee over to help you out?
No, Junior and me are getting along great
We're sure we're alone, what of it?
No, why should Peg leave a goodbye note?
I knew she was going, I ordered her to go
I got sick of arguing
But sure, I'm enjoying every minute of it
Okay, then let me be the first to tell you you're a skunk
What'd I say?
Skunk!
Ow!
Hey, Potter, someone's burning
Everything's burning, including my hand
And breakfast is over
Over? We haven't even sat down yet
Junior, you and me are going to the lunch wagon and have a stylish breakfast
What's in the basket?
Food, I think, I found it on the porch
Fried chicken, meatloaf, buttered biscuits
And pie! I think it's boysenberry
Nope, loganberry
From your pals and large brothers in the BPLA
Mewley, Squarehead, Otto and Herman
Keep your chin up and don't tell our wives we still love them
Junior, let this be a lesson to you
A man never knows how many friends he's got until his wife leaves him
Breakfast is served!
Junior! Junior, wait a minute
Oh, hello, Miss Warbush
Oh, and how is my brave little man today?
Hungry
Oh, you poor motherless little lad
Wandering about the streets all alone
I'm not wandering, I'm going home to help Pop get supper
Oh, is your Papa home all alone?
Yeah, I'm going to keep him company
Oh, well, don't you worry about him
He won't be lonesome for long
He'll be lonesome as long as Mom's gone
Junior, there's an old saying
It takes a woman to make a man forget another woman
Good afternoon, Chester
Oh, hello, Dr. Benson
I was just making a call in the neighborhood
Thought I'd stop and see how you were taking things
What things? You didn't give me anything to take
I mean, the general condition of things
Oh, my general condition
Well, I got an excruciating indigestion from eating my own cooking
But Junior and me are being good sports about it
Don't be a fool, Riley
Get paid back before it's too late
You mean my cooking could kill us?
I mean that marriage is a sacred partnership that shouldn't be broken
Oh, you don't have to sell me on marriage, Doc
I'm in favor of it
Then get paid back
If not for your own sake, for Babs and Junior
Well, what about my indigestion?
Oh, take some bicarbonate
Phone peg tonight
Why should I phone peg for bicarbonate?
I got it right here in the medicine shop
So, Tiger Smith knocks out Babyface Kreplock
Who cares?
Why don't they say something about pegging Babs at the naval wedding?
I'm going to bed now, Pop
Junior, it's only nine o'clock
Stay up and keep me company, huh?
We can play checkers
Tomorrow's Saturday, Pop
I got a ball game to play
Junior, I'm lonesome
Why don't you go over to the Gillis'
They ain't speaking to me
I don't know why
They must have caught you throwing the grass cuttings over the fence again
Good night, Pop
Junior, wait
I'll call the Gillis' and apologize for the grass cuttings
Oh, honeybee
You don't have to apologize
You don't have to break my ear on account of a couple of blades of grass
Baby, that's Gillis
Good evening, Mr. Riley
Do you remember little me?
The face is familiar, but Mrs. Riley ain't at home
I know
You poor man
Loneliness can be a terrible affliction
May I come in?
Yeah, I guess so
Chester, I may call you Chester
Well, most of my friends call me Riley
But in your case, I'll make an exception
I'm a mediaphobish
Yeah, well
Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember you
We met at the block party last year
We danced together, Chester
And when you held me in your arms, I felt a warmth here
Yeah, I forgot to put out my pipe
As soon as I heard about your wife leaving, I went right home and baked these cookies
I said to myself, Amelia, that poor lonely creature needs feeding
Everybody thinks I'm starving to death
You know the saying, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach
Yeah, well, in my case, the trip ain't necessary, Miss Flourbush
My friends, my real friends, call me Emmy
I'll remember that, madam
I, too, little lone Chester
And I know what you must be going through in this great big house
Although, five rooms and a kitchen ain't exactly the United Nations building
I admire your spirit, Chester, dear
But we must think of your poor motherless son
Dear little junior
I just love boys all ages
Look, Miss Flourbush, there's something puzzling my head
Well, then, just sit back
And let me soothe your aching brow
Relax, just relax
How can I relax with you giving me a shampoo?
Close your eyes, and I'll read you the evening paper
Tiger Smith knocked out Babyface Crepe
I read it a couple of times, I...
Where's your pipe? Let me get your pipe
I don't think you can smoke it, it's pretty strong
Here are your slippers. Now, where do you keep your slippers?
I don't need my slippers, I'm going to bed
Thanks for the cookies, Miss Flourbush
Oh, well, my goose
Well, if you're really tired, I'll go
But I'll drop by in the morning and get your breakfast
Well, don't bother, I always eat breakfast out, starting tomorrow
I'll put on the porch light so you can see your way out
Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye, isn't it, Chester?
In some cases, it's practically impossible
Good night
Good night
Good night, Chaplin
Good night
Riley?
Yeah?
Chester A. Riley?
Yeah, who are you?
Private detective
I ain't done nothing
Mickey Fender, the open-eyed detective agency, we never sleep
Wait a minute, Mr. Eddie
I understand your wife has left you and is now residing in San Francisco, right?
Yeah
Why?
Well, she had a good reason, you see
It'll never stand up in court
In court?
Mitch, she deserted you, didn't she?
No, no, she's coming back
You see, that's what they all say
Now, to make this thing stick, we'll need evidence
Plain desertion ain't enough
Are you trying to tell me that I... that my wife pegged...
What else?
Get out of my house
Get out!
Okay, Mr. Fletcher, get out
Okay, Mr. Fletcher, get out
It ain't possible
She never deserted me before
Quiet!
Gillis!
Shh, keep it down
Honeybee thinks I went downtown
I can't hold out no longer, Ralph
Louse or no louse, you and me are still pals
Gee, thanks, Gillis, I appreciate it
Besides, I'm curious
Who was that guy who came to see you today?
Oh, that was a private detective
A detective?
I thought it was a lawyer pegge sent
Why should pegge send me a lawyer?
Community property, Ralph
Pegge gets half of everything, including Junior
How can she get half of Junior? He ain't on hinges
It's the law
What's the law got to do with it?
Pegge only went away for the weekend
If it's only for the weekend, how come she took a coat with her?
What do you mean?
It's too warm in San Francisco for a coat
Unless maybe she's going someplace where a coat would come in handy
Like, uh, let's say Nevada
Nevada?
Let's face it, Ralph, Reno
Reno? Nevada?
My own wife, after 19 years of marriage, goes to Reno without taking me with her
Hey, Clark, the phone! It's Mom!
Now listen, Duplin, I want you to come home
We ain't separating, and that's my ultimatum
Stop shouting, Riley. What are you talking about?
I'm saying I didn't mean what I said about your going
Because I want you to come back before you go and talk it over about your going
Because after you're gone, it'll be too late
But I am back. Babs and I are at the station
Look, Peg, Duplin, give me another chance
I'll be a better husband
You're where?
At the station. The wedding was a day early, so we took the first train home
Stay right where you are, Duplin. I'll come right down and pick you up
She's come back to me
She didn't go to Reno
You don't have to be separated, Junior
Stay right where you are, Duplin. I'll be right there
I'm sorry. You and your party are no longer connected
Oh, yeah? That's what you think, sister. That's what you think
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